Welcome to Difficult Degrees. Here you will find my poetry, other confessional and survival poetry, many known poets, literature, books, my snippets of my memoir I’m working on–a memoir about the evolutions of degrees,how much I have and do change, everything a spin off from another. I was sexually, physically and psychologically abused
since four or five years of age but there were times of no sexual abuse and times of absolute beauty with two people I often write about–Erica and Mike. I also have complex trauma/Ptsd (a post-traumatic-stress disorder that I’ll have forever; chronic), I’m Bipolar, I have ADHD, dissociative disorder/amnesia, depersonalization/derealization. It’s not as bad as it sounds some days. Yet every morning it’s a struggle: I find myself looking in the mirror, trying to decide if I’ve lost, or if I’ll keep my chin above the water another day. I listen to a lot of music. A LOT. And I share it here. I love comments and commenting back and getting conversations and theories and shared lessons going. I’ve met on here many, many dear people who seem to understand me more than the people in my life. I’ve always been a writer, and the thing is I never know what the hell I’m feeling until I write it down. And I write it because I need to know that I am real, that it all was real, and that I am of some kind of substance.
Here’s a favorite poem I’d like to share by Louise Gluck:
Are you healed or do you only think you’re healed?
I told myself
nothing could be taken away.
But do you love anyone yet?
When I feel safe I can love.
But will you touch anyone?
I told myself
if I had nothing
the world couldn’t touch me.
In the bathtub, I examine my body.
We’re supposed to do that.
And your face too?
Your face in the mirror?
I was vigilent: when I touched myself
I didn’t feel anything.
Were you safe then?
I was never safe, even when I was most hidden.
Even then I was waiting.
So you couldn’t protect yourself?The absoluteerodes; the boundary, the wallaround the self erodes.If I was waiting I had beeninvaded by time.But do you think you’re free?I think I recognize the patterns of my nature.But do you think you’re free?I had nothingand I was still changed.Like a costume, my numbnesswas taken away. Thenhunger was added.