“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
This is where I’m teetering–between believing in my greatness and believing that I’m no good.
“But somewhere along the line you changed, you stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good, and when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know–the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows–it’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life, but it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward–how much you can take and keep moving forward–that’s how winning is done. And if you wanna go through all the battling you gotta go through to get to where you wanna get, whose got the right to stop you? Maybe you got something you never finished, something you really wanna do, something you never said to somebody–something! And you’re told no, even after you pay your dues, whose got the right to tell you that, who? Nobody. It’s your right to listen to your gut it ain’t nobody’s right to say no after you earned the right to be what you wanna be and do what you wanna do. Now if you know what you’re worth, go out and get what you’re worth–but you gotta be willing to take the hits and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody–cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!”
Damn that part of the movie is incredible. I’m reaching a point where I can’t entirely blame my perpetrators (I hate that word) and I can’t blame myself either. It’s time to step up, and I’m proud to say I have been. I push myself in therapy, I do things that make me happy, I keep up on my meds, the only shitty part is the loneliness. I don’t have that old support team anymore (no matter how much they say they are here for me–cha) the only person I talk to about this shit is my psychologist.
So, after many tears, I’m learning to do it myself along with my therapist. I’ve never been so tested. It’s a battle for your life, and it’s hard yet it feels good–good that I’m fighting by working through it.
I’m half angry because others put me here but moreso I’m angry because I also put myself here. Whether it be my chemistry, behaviors, whatever. I’m angry for letting myself believe from others that I’m no good. I am better than that, and a small kernel inside me knows that, which is why I’m still here, I just gotta learn to hold onto that. This is all like “baptism under fire.” I am becoming and becoming and it’s exciting yet scary–scary because what if I’m a phony? What if I can’t hack it. Eh, fuck that yes I will be able to–I’m not capable now but I will be. Right now I feel all these open wounds–all these mirrors around me and I’m forced to look this time and I’m so sad by what I see. I do know I have the key to my recovery. I do know deep down I am strong.
More later, folks. Thanks for reading.