Well folks, Christmas is over and things are calming down. I actually miss the music while shopping plus the lights on the store windows (small town) and the snow falling on excited, mostly cheery people. I cried silently in church, I always do for some reason. Well my eyes fill up and I pretend I’m scratching them, and luckily not many people are there sooo…the Christmas mass was beautiful–huge, real lit trees behind the altar–our church is more cathedral, towering castles of saints and Jesus and Saint Francis and so on. So all lit up, it was gorgeous. At first I was reeling in my head about money and did I have enough Christmas gifts for Emma and how am I gonna pay next month’s bills and this month’s water–it took me a long time to relax. After Father spoke I relaxed and then a new choir of women sang so beautifully and I felt God and I cried. I feel like he got me through the nightmare years from when I was in the hospital–when i thought I was going to kill myself or die from madness. i really thought I was gonna die. I remember nights in the bin, calling the nurse to my room because I thought my breath would quit me too, I really did. It was a year later when I thought about Jesus, just Him and His presence and I broke down for awhile. I knew He was with me. And I”m NOT the religious type. I believe all religions basically say the same thing, I believe in the Prophets, I have a special place for Jesus though. I wrote a poem about Jesus/God as Woman, you can read it (Borders) HERE. The strange thing is I never knew it was about God until I discussed it with someone. God as my Mother. Atman. Yahweh. (sp?), Mother Earth, etc. Here’s a clip;
“where I see myself years later or years ago–aged and worn away–
walking to you, palms up.
“Here, here I am…” only you aren’t waiting
for me, time is something else to you–
so I see that I don’t have to tell you
where I’ve been or why am I here
but that I have arrived….”
And there’s the warmest, safest vision in it of being held on His/Her back like a baby as She/He sifts through the soil for seeds. Ahhhhh. It relaxes me. So yeah. At Church, I was able to feel right and safe and okay. Loved.
I’m kind of just rambling tonight. I have the house to myself, Emma’s at her cousin’s house. I’m playing White House Down in the background for noise for the eightieth time (lately I’ve had this obsession with government/white house conspiracy movies). I don’t know. Well this is a short post, I’ll write again. Obviously. I have a blog.